This is merely my opinion. I just need to let it out of my mind. Too many things going up here won't do me any good - with mom problem and school trouble... I feel like my stamina is droned out just to not
think too much about them.
So first. Mom problem.
She's going to Singapore on the 19th. To prepare for her fucking marriage. To take care of that fucking marriage registry.
Hell, hell, hell! It's only been MONTHS, four months at best. I've been together with Adi way more than that and our relationship dates back three years ago and do I think of getting married?
IS SHE OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND?
Oh, and mind the harsh words. The whole marriage-thing itself in Singapore (for the marriage registry) is not enough to be described by softer words coz it's CRAZIER THAN THE CRAZIEST FUCKING THING IN THIS WORLD.
If this goes on beyond my reach, I swear I'll pick up a knife and threaten that guy to get the hell out of our lives. Too bad I'm already seventeen, hence touchable by law.
Second. School trouble. Ooh, scratch that. Make if BF trouble.
'Kalian tuh hatinya ga ada yang kayak 'angel', semuanya jahat-jahat, setan semua!' (None of you have the heart of an angel's. You're all cruel and evil!) Quoted. She said this on Saturday and today.
I was taken aback. Does she herself have 'a heart of an angel's' that makes her able to say this? This, from my point of view, is arrogance. She always feels like everything she does is correct. If she's right, everybody else is wrong. Well, that's just my opinion.
My other opinion is despite her often saying of 'You all should be like me... (continued with the next shit)', I so don't want to be like her.
Forgiving? Compassionate?
Only if we give something back to her. Oh, not only that, only if we give something back to her that satisfy her. Which, I think, is the attitude of no-mind-at-all-being-totally-under-her-control.
So not me.
I wish she could take a look at herself in the mirror before judging others. Or I suppose she has, but her mind is clouded by her thought of she always do the right thing. But see, I have my own right things. Her and my right things may be different, but that doesn't mean one is less right than the other.
I really despise her moodiness and intensity. Screaming her heart out at us, who could only gap like stupid goldfishes. She even screamed at Chiara, who despite being very loud at times, is nice enough not to bite BF back. I mean, does BF really need to humiliate our every single mistake in front of an audience?
My previous teacher in junior high, Mr. Richard, gave me a piece of advice I don't plan on forgetting for a very long time. 'When you want to point someone's mistake out, or give him/her a little advice of something he/she does wrong, go to a hidden place and talk to him/herself. Just the two of you. But if you want to compliment someone, do it in front of the public.'
Now that's a real respect-earner.
Back in elementary school, my teachers even emphasized on forgiveness. It's kind of related to the Bible, but I forget from what chapter. Anyway, my teachers' advice is something like this: 'Don't held grudge until sunset. It will become a sin'. So if you're angry with someone, by sunset you must forgive him/her and forget the matter.
Don't you feel at peace knowing someone actually thought that up? Makes this world a lot better, right?
I mean, we all are prone of mistakes. Sometimes people simply... slip. It's our human nature to not be perfect. I just watched Sex and The City, and Steve-Miranda story proves it. I just really don't think somebody, however she may think what an 'angel' she is, should expect anyone to be an 'angel' too.
Because none of us are angels. We are humans. But we're not satan either. We are humans, simply trying to do the right thing and sometimes making mistakes.
I feel so tired. I hate being judged, but I guess I don't really help myself. Talking to someone who judge me is something I try not to do. Because I might snap since I hate that someone so much.
And I guess this is my hypocrisy: I don't have the strength to tell the subject her/himself. You see how I've been cursing about my mom's decision? I haven't told her. I mean, I surely slammed the door every time 'he' is here and do a lot of shouting and hope really, really hard that my mom will get the message. But I don't get me myself: why do I hate him so much? Maybe like Carmen from The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants, the truth is I'm angry to my mom. She spends a full week with him and it's not enough. He sleepovers (and I'm disgusted). It's like she doesn't like to spend time with her daughters. You know, I think if she goes out only one-two times a week I really wouldn't mind. But she doesn't. She forgets that she's also a mom. But my mom is never really great at being a mom too. *Sigh* This kind of behavior is only to be expected, though may not believed at times.
Yes, my mom has died and become Mrs. Enrico. (Now I loath that name.)
I feel so tired. *sigh* And I don't tell my teachers this (of course, like they know what to do) so when I really do feel like all my life was snuffed out from me, I skipped school and that boiled BF's temper. *sigh* Does that fucking hag really think that as teenagers we are all problem free?
I think I'm going to ignore the mom problem from now on. And might as well try to stop loving her because it only carries hurt and pain. And I'm going to ignore BF too. Coz she and I are not a match and I'm too tired to do anything about it.
*sigh*